The Opinionated Bastard

Things you will need:

• A trap. You can get this from the county animal control department for one week if you leave a deposit of $55. If you live in Flagstaff, AZ anyways. Otherwise, your mileage may vary.

• Some cardboard. Cut up boxes do nicely.

• Some duct tape.

• Some Scissors.

• Some dog food, generally of the type the skunk has been eating already.

• A small plastic bowl

• Some vice grips, the needle nose kind work best.

• Baking Soda

• Hydrogen Peroxide

• Dish soap

• Leather work gloves

Optional items (having these items will actually make everything take longer, but you’ll enjoy the whole process more):

• a beer

• a wife

• dogs

Part 1: Constructing the Smello-Shield^TM

Using the cardboard, duct tape and scissors, construct yourself a Smello-Shield^TM. Basically, what you want to do is cut and tape the cardboard to make a cover for the trap such that:

1. 3 of the sides and the top of the trap are covered.

2. Through a hole in the top, you can reach the handle to carry the trap.

3. A flap in the front falls down and covers the front of the trap, but can be flipped out of the way as necessary to reach the door.

4. You can drop this cardboard contraption on top of the trap once you trap the skunk, so that he can’t see you, and he’s in the dark.

The purpose of this cardboard contraption is threefold:

• The skunk can’t spray you through the cardboard.

• Being in the dark tends to calm the skunk down because the trap becomes “denlike”.

• The skunk can’t see you, so he won’t get so upset when you get close.

Once you’ve constructed your Smello-Shield^TM place it aside. You won’t need it until after you’ve trapped the skunk. Skunks don’t really want to spray you because it can take 10 days to refill their smell gland. So they won’t unless you get them upset and the shield helps prevent you from getting them upset.

Part 2: Placing the trap

The optimum location to place the trap would naturally be on the back porch, the some one where the skunk is stealing dog food from. Unfortunately, your wife won’t let you put the trap there because she’ll be worried that trapping the skunk will cause the back porch to smell. Humor her by putting the trap in the back yard.

That night, before you go to bed, put some dog food in the plastic bowl, and set the trap mechanism. Bring the dogs into the house, and go to sleep.

Part 3: Drink the beer

You’re done for awhile, so go ahead and drink the beer.

Part 4: The Snow

Of course, that night there will be a big snowstorm. No skunk either. Spend the morning shoveling your driveway.

Part 5: Wait for wife to come to her senses

Eventually, the wife will realize that the natural location for the trap is where the dog food bowl lives on the back porch. Move the trap to that location.

Part 6: You’ve caught a skunk!

The next morning, your wife will wake you up to tell you that there’s a skunk in the trap.

Say, “good”, and go back to sleep.

Or try to anyways. Give up, and start putting on your clothes and slippers. Grab your Smello-Shield^TM go outside and place it over the trap, remembering to put the door flap in the front. Go back inside and get some coffee and have some breakfast while the skunk calms down a bit. Pretend to listen as your wife excitedly tells you about the dogs barking at the skunk in the trap and the skunk hissing back at them.

Pick up the trap with Smello-Shield^TM attached and put it in the back of your pickup truck. Go back inside to wait while your wife gets ready for your walk while the skunk adjusts to being moved. Put the leather gloves and the vice grips in the car.

Part 7: Getting rid of the skunk

Left to your own devices, you would naturally drive somewhere far away from the house to release the skunk, like say, New Mexico. Unfortunately, you let your wife drive the pickup truck while you drove the SUV with the dogs, so she she’ll only drive about a half mile before pulling into the forest. Since she can’t hear you, its ok to sigh heavily.

Have your wife take the dogs on ahead, while you wait. When she’s far enough away, and the dogs are distracted, take the trap out of the truck and set it on the ground. Leave the trap there while you go for your walk, as the skunk is probably pretty freaked out after sliding around in the trap in the back of the pickup truck while your wife went careening wildly over bumpy dirt roads. Enjoy your walk.

On your way back from your walk in the forest, have your wife hold the dogs about 200 feet from the cars. Put on your gloves. Straddling the trap, bend over and lift the door flap out of the way. You can now lift the door of the trap. Use the vice grips to hold the door open.

Remove the Smello-Shield^TM and back away.

The skunk will leave the trap in about 30 seconds.

Put the trap and Smello-Shield^TM back in the pickup truck. Wait for the skunk to get far enough away, then load the dogs back into the SUV.

Part 8: Cleaning the trap

Mix about a quart of Hydrogen Peroxide, a cup of baking soda, and a smidgen of dish soap in a bucket, then use that to clean the trap. This works by producing a lot of oxygen bubbles which break down the minor trap smell. In fact it works better then any of the commercial preparations so don’t buy them, just do what I tell you.

Part 9: Taking the trap back.

Take the trap back to the county animal control people.

Part 10: Bask in the Glory

All that day, your wife will look at you like you killed a ferocious monster, that you’re the most studly man in the universe. Go with it.