So it seems to me that we’re at an impasse. For a long time now, our anti-immigration laws have been at best, nudge-nudge wink-wink laws. Suddenly, Arizona seems to want to rock the boat and actually enforce those laws. “How dare they!” cries the President. “Those racist bastards! Let’s boycott them!” says the Los Angeles city council. None of them quite seem to grasp that our actions have nothing to do with dishwashers, busboys, or “dos hombres”. My father-in-law was illegal, my two cousins on my father’s side were born in Ecuador, and Arizona is 30% Hispanic. Like many people in America, I often eat at those special businesses that serve food where many of the personnel are illegal aliens; I understand those of you in other states call these special businesses “restaurants”. I live in a dwelling whose supporting structure was covered with a special coating applied by illegal aliens; this coating goes by the name dry wall in other states. Yesterday I had fruit picked by illegal aliens. I bought this fruit in a special store called a “supermarket”.
Yet I support this law. Because this new law is not, and never has been, about “undocumented workers”. Arizonans would be perfectly happy to give everyone in the entire country of Mexico a green card. This law is about the fact that Arizona is being invaded. Invaded. That sound like hyperbole. When armed foreign nationals cross your border, calling it an invasion is merely being accurate.
Ultimately, our new law is about the cartels and the violence they’ve brought. Phoenix was the #2 city in the world last year for kidnapping, but facts like that are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the huge increase in violence we’ve seen in the southern half of the state over the last two years. It’s not an accident that we’ve made it easier to carry concealed weapons in Arizona; if you’re a woman in Southern Arizona, it is likely you’re packin’.
So in the interest of reconciling with our fellow states who keep missing the point of our new law, I offer my own modest proposal. Since the whole point of our law was to get rid of the cartel members and had nothing to do with the people crossing the border to work, I have come up with an alternative that should work for everyone.
I’ve heard that currently, the going rate for crossing the border is $3,000. The amount of money you need to spend on lawyers and bribes to get a green card is even more.
So it seems in America we want to have our cake and eat it too. We want to pretend to be against any sort of guest worker program while eating in restaurants, eating produce and living in houses. For a long time, Arizona was perfectly happy to pretend along with everyone else. But we just can’t any more. We have to start kicking the cartel members out of our state.
But people seem to be worried that we’re going to be cracking down on the nudge-nudge wink-wink immigrants, yet they don’t want a real guest worker program.
But again, in Arizona we don’t have a choice. So in order to both streamline the process, and emphasize that this was never about keeping out the worker bees as much as it was about keeping out the cartels soldiers, Arizona will now offer something called an Arizona Green Card. The cost will be $3,000 a year, but that will include health and auto insurance from a selection of providers. So instead of the cartels and the lawyers getting $5,000, a guest worker can get insurance instead.
In addition, Arizona will issue these cards along with a bus ticket good for anywhere where a city council or other government body has seen fit to chastise us. Don’t worry, we’ll pre-screen the people we let into the country to make sure they’re not cartel members. We’ll use what I call the IQ points to Tattoos ratio. You’re allowed one square inch of tattoo for every point of IQ you have. Anyone with more tattoos than brains is obviously either a cartel member, so we won’t let them in.
So what do you think, Californians? Does that seems like a better solution?
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